On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
