There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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