There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
