Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
