I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i think my cat just said my name.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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