I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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