You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
