You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
