Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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