I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
