what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
