if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
