haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
