Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
