i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
