I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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