I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
