everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
