did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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