i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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