She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
