He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
