I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
