my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
