that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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