It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
