Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
