Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You pole danced in your parka.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
