Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
