She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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