What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
