what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
