Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
