My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
