Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Maybe he injected his testicle?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
