today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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