I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
