i would punch a child for taco bell
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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