Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick

(541): View more from Oregon

the rest of him looks just as crooked

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.

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(239): View more from Florida

they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out

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(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.

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