Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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