you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
