dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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