Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
