Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I need moral support for this bender
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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