My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
