I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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