Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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