She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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