Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
