Dude my mom stole all your condoms
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
