I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
