I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
