You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
